Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
