Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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