i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
