Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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