i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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