Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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