Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The ass gains better be worth it
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