if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We are all done wearing pants today
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
