if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
