mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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