I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
