so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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