The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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