You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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