also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
