i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
