I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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