in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
