and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
