I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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