i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
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Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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