my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
