I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
