You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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