You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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