I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
