good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You've changed since you got that strap on
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
