Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dignity is for republicans.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
