3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
