I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
