I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
