bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
