im six kinds of drunk right now
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize