sarcasm needs its own font
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
