He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
