Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
