Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
