I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
