God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
