The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
