last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
