Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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