i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
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"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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