Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
