yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
