When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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