Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
