i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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