o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
