Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it was like eating out sand paper
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
