glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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