hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
