forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
