why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
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I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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