You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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