My first STD was from a foam party
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
