its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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