He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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