I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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