after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
