im about as happy as oj after his trial
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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